Do you want to live because you are afraid to die? If you think something should be written about the question, go ahead and do so.
Summer...Sun, fun, bikinis, ice cream, beaches. All things that are supposed to be enjoyed during this time. Yet here I am...Staring at the waves of the ocean, and all I want to do is walk into them and never come back. Not try to swim, no commotion, no crying or kicking or screaming, just walk into the darkness of the waves and let them drown me.
Hi, my name is Justine. I am a 20 something female. And I have clinical depression amongst a list of other mental health illnesses. I have seen therapists, in multitude, been so high on medication that I forgot how to hold a fork, and meditated so much, I am almost sure I could out meditate a monk....
After suffering severe traumatic events, my brain developed a chemical imbalance and from there things went down hill. I am i constant downhill spiral and nothing se help. I have made and lost a lot of friends
because of this. Nobody stays though. Unfortunately, my bad days are too much to cope with and they sometimes last for months on end. It is a constant battle to not end my life and be rid of this hellish internal war.
I don't sleep or eat much. I push everyone that comes near me away. Furthermore, I don't trust a single human being and I avoid any and all social contact or event. I lie to my therapist about "how much better I am doing" but I am pretty sure he knows... I mean everytime I have tried to end it all, I woke up to his face next to my hospital bed. The disappointment, concern, pitty...It all flashes over his face.
Anyway, back to today. This morning I got up, without any motivation as per usual. I decided to come to the beach, because "fresh air" is supposed to help. Trust me, no amount of nature, water, or any other remedy everyone tells you about actually work. The voices don't magically stop screaming, the numb emp at the pit of my stomach doesn't go awa + the emotionless expression on my face does...
turn into a smile just because the sun shines on my face.
Arriving at the beach, I grab the towel and book I brought to keep me occupied. Knowing full well it wouldn't. But for simple cinematic value's sake I brought it regardless. Throwing my towel open on the sand, I sit down. Staring at the book in my hand but not taking in a single word I am reading. "Why are you here?! What is your purpose?! Everything is your fault!! You are useless and unworthy!! Just end it all Justine!! Do the world a favor and just die!!"
The voices in my head keeps getting louder.
I frantically look around me, panicked someone will see me begging them to just shut up... My heart is beating in my throat and my chest closes up...GREAT!! A panic attack??!! Now??!! Seriously??!! Well when it rains it pours... The pulsing starts, like a crescendo of drums. Should I do it??...
Nobody will even notice. Should I just v into the waves...Drown myself? End thi. + ending battle once and for all
Am I afraid to die? Not in the least. So why am I still here? Why am I always saved or found everytime I try to go?
Doesn't anybody understand?!! Living on this earth, in a body that wants to die is bloody hell!!
The voices: " Go ahead Justine!! Just walk into the water!! End it all!! You are a burden!! Nobody wants to stay with you anyway!".
Me: "SHUT UP!! JUST FUCKING SHUT
UP!! PLEASE! (crying)"...
I am not ending my life today. I am not staying alive because I am afraid to die...
I am staying alive because some days are better than others and those are the days that made me strong enough to handle today.
